Parental Evil - 11.21.2002
Once again, I have been reminded that there should be some sort of training and licensing involved before people are allowed to breed.
I have just listened to several people calling in to a radio station to tell what R rated movie they have taken their 2 and 3 years old children to see.
The movies listed were Triple X, Saving Private Ryan, The Matrix and Eminem’s new movie- whatever that piece of junk is called.
These movies will all probably scar a toddler nicely because of rough
language, gory action, and intense themes. But, the one I want to focus
on is a movie called Resident Evil. To an adult, this is an average
horror/action movie with decent special effects and a very beautiful
Malinana Dovinadidich, but to a child it is a dark world of horror
where everyone dies a horrible death and monsters rule the day. By the way, I just guessed on the name. I went to look it up and it’s actually spelled Milla Jovovich.
So anyway, this moron calls the radio station and says he took his two-year-old daughter to see this movie in the theater. In case you haven’t seen Resident Evil, it is mostly about zombies that eat human flesh. Just imagine Dawn of the Dead on steroids. There is cursing, sex, violence and haunting images that will frighten many adults. And on top of that, all of these images are accompanied by intense, maddeningly loud soundtrack. The skinless dogs and the decapitation and dissection of a couple of guys will leave a lasting memory in my mind. Then, at the end, there is a super zombie monster type thing that is pretty gruesome.
Now, this genius says that his little girl “liked the movie”, but he did notice that “she tried to dig her little head into my shoulder a few times”. Little does he know that she was probably going through fight or flight syndrome because she hasn’t figured out that the pictures up on the big screen are not real. This retard thinks it’s cute that his little baby girl is struggling with the possibility that these horrific monsters might kill and eat her and her father. I wonder if he noticed, on the way home, that her little ears were bleeding from the THX sound in the theater. And when the kid’s doctor asks the father if he has any idea why little Baby has developed a sudden, new twitch, he’ll say, ”Duhhh…don’t know. Errrrr… You know she can’t seem to get to Errrrr sleep at night either, Derrr she wakes up crying a lot.” I am absolutely positive this guy makes noises like this. Later on in life, when this kid becomes a serial killer, everyone will wonder how such a sweet little girl could go so terribly wrong. Hopefully, she’ll start her homicidal spree at home with Dad.
The tame ass ghosts in Scooby Doo are enough to give my kids nightmares. If I let them watch Resident Evil, I would probably find my five-year-old son buried in a home made bunker under the bed, in the fetal position with eyes wide open, rocking back and forth, and repeating over and over, “it isn’t real, it isn’t real, it isn’t real”.
Normal kids cry when ET gets sick and they think he’s dead. What would they do if he had had his head brutally torn off and his bloody carcass was being fought over and devoured by wild demons all while his decapitated head watched helplessly with bulging eyes that finally popped out onto the floor? I wonder how that would make them feel.
Maybe I shelter my kids, but that little utopian world that they live in where Santa Claus is real and you live forever should last as long as possible. Every year that they can avoid learning about the cold, harsh, realities of life is an extra year of true happiness that I have added to their existence.
Sometimes I wish I would suffer a head injury and do just enough damage to make me lose grip with reality and I could spend the rest of my days living in a three-year-olds world. There would be no thoughts of terrorists, serial killers, global warming, nuclear holocaust or any of that crap. The biggest worry would be wondering what I was getting for desert on a given night.
That is, unless some brainless idiot took me to a movie like Resident Evil. Then I would spend the rest of my days in terror, looking over my shoulder looking for man-eating zombies.
I wonder what this super dad’s opinion is on porno?
I'm sure he would never take her to something like that.
At least not until she is five.
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