The Intensity Of Woman - 12.31.2002
Forget the Middle East, good and evil, and even the egg and the chicken,
all of these philosophical contemplations pale in comparison to the intense
and unusual thought process of the almighty Woman.
The more I look at the sentence above, the more I am sure that it doesn’t
make sense. But I don’t know how to better articulate my thoughts. I blame
it on a poor education. The only thing I learned in college was how to
remain standing after consuming my body weight in cheap beer. “Stand” may
be an overstatement.
When I say intense, I mean that to a woman every incident, no matter how
infinitesimal and unimportant, could possibly mean the end of civilization
as we know it.
Women have a tendency to use words like “always” and “never” in situations
where they are a bit of an overstatement? The most common being, of course,
“You never listen to me”. Now come on ladies, isn’t this a bit on the
dramatic side? If we never listened to you, how would we ever know how
wrong we are about everything?
Here’s a scenario to attempt to clarify this thought.
A man is in the middle of putting up a new ceiling fan. He is in deep
concentration because he doesn’t have a clue as to what he’s doing.
He would rather be watching football, but it seemed like an easy enough
job to tackle. It turns out to be a pain in the ass because he’s working
with his arms over his head and the threat of electrocution is constantly
bouncing around in the back of his brain. While wrestling with this
monstrosity of a machine, trying to get the damn little screw thingies
attached that are supposed to have the wire running through it… You know
what I’m talking about. Anyway, his spouse determines that this is a good
time for conversation. He hears her say, “Your mom is coming over for
dinner”. He tries to smile and nod. If there’s not a screwdriver or
pliers in his mouth, he might even say “ok”. Finally finished, He rewards
himself with a beer and a nap. Then he wakes up to his wife saying,
“What time is your mom coming over?” Which he simply replies, “Huh?”
Now the trouble starts. “Didn’t you invite your mother to come over for
dinner?” And he deftly replies again, “Huh?” as a small bead of sweat
starts to form on his brow. “I, uh, thought you said she was coming over.”
“No”, she says with teeth clenched. “I told you to invite her over.”
Steam starts billowing out of her ears in response to his blank stare.
“Now I’ve already cleaned the house spotless, went to the store to got the
supplies to make that dish that your mother loves. I am trying so hard to
impress her and now everything is ruined. How come you never listen to me?”
she yells, on the verge of tears.
Never mind that she determined to ask him to do this while he had his hands
quite full, and that she could easily have called herself, and that it’s
only 3:00 and there’s still plenty of time to call his mom. This man knows
that, to her, the end is here. An honest mistake and all is lost.
He simply puts his head down and takes his verbal beating, then goes and
calls his mom. Of course, she comes over and they all have a great dinner
together.
For some reason, the storm usually passes as quickly as it comes.
I don’t really remember where I was going with this, so in closing I would
just like to express to women in general, to relax just a little bit and
remember that every little misunderstanding or misfortune is not the end of
the world. That is, unless, it is the end of the world. And it just might
truly be the end for me after all of my female friends and family members
read this essay.
The above scenario is a piece of fiction. Any similarities to these
characters or situations are coincidental and unintentional even though
we know we’ve all been there.
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