Reader Response - 10.23.2002
Dear Settle Down Now,
In your latest rant on "How To Avoid An Impending Disaster or Nuke Those Bastards" you go into another dimension in time that has nothing to do with the subject line.
You mention your brother becoming a "Living Dead Suburbanite" and how you now remember your Friday nights.
The image you paint is that both you and your brother led a life of drinking, partying and one-night stands.
Thus, made your mother worry about whether her "grown" children were still alive, contracting an STD or in jail taking it up the booty.
(Hence again the possibility of contracting an STD and walking like you have a corncob stuck up the poop shoot.)
If you have a child (or children) of your own, try to image that you are at home scratching your you know what's and drinking Milwaukee’s best on a Friday night. You know your offspring is going to be out drinking and who knows what else. I wonder if you would call yourself a worrier then and apologize to your mother.
Now as far as being a "Living Dead Suburbanite", wasn't that a movie???? I happen to be one if you consider someone who has grown out of the adolescent stages of life and chooses to spend their time and money on lawn equipment, tools, fixing broken plumbing and obtaining "Reserved Cart" status at Home Depot or Lowes on weekends.
Believe me, I remember my party days and have pondered how much money went down the toilet, literally.
So many times I would wake up after a night of drinking only to see what my money had bought.
A seat in front of the porcelain God, chunks of whatever I ate for lunch the day before and back to the toilet heaving. Then, I’m trying to sleep off a hangover but can’t because the apartment landscaping crew came by with the loud blower and my aching brain starts wondering what I did the night before that may be embarrassing when I see my friends next. Yes, moderation is the key.
Once you reach a certain age hangover’s last two-three days and you begin to ponder if it’s all worth it. And, what do I have to show for my hard work and income? Let’s face it, our society gauges how successful you are by how many toy's you own.
Yes, it's pretty stupid but it’s true. Not that I let society dictate how I live my life but at some point you look around and all you own is your clothes and a vehicle to get you to the next party.
There must be more to life than this.
So you start thinking about finding a mate, getting married, buying a house with a white picket fence and having your own little hell yen’s so your mother can say “ I can’t wait til they give you back what you gave me!!” And guess what, she’s right but it’s double.
Sincerely,
A happily married homeowner with a mortgage, credit debt, two cars, a pool, more debt, new furniture, and more debt.
Dear Sir or Madam:
First of all, I would like to say that your happiness in the face of increasing debt betrays your keen intellect.
I am glad that you were able to take time from your AA activities to respond to my little article. I am sorry that from the entire essay, the picture that was painted in your mind was that of “a life of drinking, partying and one-night stands”. The statement about me remembering my Friday nights was a simple way of saying, “in the good old days”. As far as I know, no references were made to one-night stands, STD’s, or as you so eloquently put it, “taking it up the booty”.
I believe that you may have some unresolved issues about what you may, or may not, have done in your past. Regardless, that has nothing to do with the “living dead suburbanites”. You have quite expectedly misunderstood my statement. To live in the suburbs does not make you part of the “living dead”. It is a state of mind. You and your brethren are not “dead” for your lack of partying or having sex, but for your interest in that which is mundane. To endure an explanation of the course of a brown patch through someone’s grass or discussions about the neighbor’s disregard for the homeowners association’s bible is nearly beyond my limits and enough to make me want to end my own life.
By the way, the essay in mention was concerning “worriers” and the possible war with Iraq. Your current obsession with lawns, tools, Home Depot and white picket fences has nothing to do with these topics, but does confirm your place among the “living dead”.
If you are curious about the tone of this response, I have just watched a bit of the movie, Arthur.
I was thinking about Hobson as I was writing.
See you at Lowes.
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